Asking myself why



A question i often get asked for a variety of reasons. 

Why do i put myself under so much pressure? Why do i write a blog sharing personal information? Why do i want to study to such a high level? Why do i set myself so many goals? Why do i want to help others in my community? 

There is no simple answer to these questions, and if i'm honest i don't even know if i fully understand the answers to all of them. I'm still learning about myself. 

I do know though that one of the core reasons i am the way i am is that i strive to achieve success in everything i do. I want to do the best i can, i'm not saying i want to be the overall best. I'm not looking at things in a competitive way, i'm not up against others, simply against myself. I set myself goals to challenge myself. I want to be the best version of myself that i can be. I also want to help others do this too. 

I've always been honest about my mental health. Anxiety and Bipolar obviously have some impact on me but i don't like to use them as excuses. They are just one very small part of me. 

I do have a part of me that wants recognition, but not from my friends or peers. I want recognition from my parents. I didn't and still don't feel connected to my parents in the way that i see others are, even my siblings. A big part of me (my inner child some would say) craves love from them. I want to feel like they are proud of me.

I was very lucky to have a Nanna who showed me what it is like to be loved, her level of love was unconditional and non-judgmental. When i messed up in my teen years (she raised me) she didn't make me feel like a failure instead she taught me how to be better, how to work harder. I know she would be proud of me, i miss her everyday and i hope she knows just how much of an impact she had on my life.

As a mum now to two beautiful boys age 8 and 10 i tell them every day how much i love them. I make sure they know how proud i am of them in everything they work at. I want them to know that i will forever be here for them and support them in everything they do. I will always show an interest in everything they do, even the things i don't understand, i will ask them to educate me and talk to me about their passions and their hobbies so that i can support them to the fullest. I never want them to feel the way i do.  

Why do i want to complete my MA and go on to a PhD? 
because i want to know if i can, i want to push myself academically and see what i am capable of. 

Why do i set myself goals? 
because by having goals i have an idea of what i'm working towards. I can focus my mind when it starts to wonder into areas of negativity. I can pull myself out of that zone and into an active zone where i'm working towards one of my goals. 

Why do i share such personal information? 
because if it can help just one person out there who is struggling then i know it was worth it. I want others to see that they can achieve their goals, they can push past the negative feelings and re-train their mind to focus on the positives. Writing is one of my therapies. It helps me and i hope it helps others too.