The tree is up and we are starting to feel festive here at 32.
This is going to be a difficult Christmas for a number of reasons but mostly because it is going to be the first year without my nanna who passed away in August. Nanna practically brought me up all my life and took me on full time to live with her from around 13 so I owe her everything.
It has been a very difficult few months trying to keep going with work, mum life, Master student studies, house chores and everything else whilst feeling like an emotional wreak. Even the slightest things set me off.
It's 4am as I write this, I'm not sleeping much lately. Once I wake I just can't seem to settle back down.
I have been very lucky though because my Dad's side of the family have been so supportive. Nanna brought us together and she has been using her positive powers to keep us together, looking out for each other.
Nanna's house was my home, my family home and everything in it reminded me of her. The thought of her not being there anymore or it no longer being my family home anymore hurts, a lot. My Dad has been amazing and let me take home a few things of Nannas to keep me going, a crock pot that we used to make stew in, some of the photo frames and photos I created for her over the years and my favourite being her old Tigger tea towel that was always over her shoulder.
Thanks to Nanna and to my Dad those few things that I have brought to my house have transformed the way I look at it here at 32. I've gone from looking at it as a temporary pile of bricks that I struggled to enjoy living in to a home, a home that I can see me staying in now.
A very old ottoman that nanna painted purple, her favourite colour now lives in my guest room. It was upcycled by Nanna using paint and old carpet on the top. It probably looks strange to some people but I LOVE it. When I'm feeling low and missing her I go sit next to it (not on it, I always sat next to it as a child) and ask her for advice. She has a way of sending me signs to help me push on.
I truely believe that my Nanna is looking down on us, that she is doing her best to keep us all going. I miss her so much, but I know she would want me to give my boys the best festive time I can.
So I am going to try my best to turn this house into a home, to make Christmas a fun and festive one for the boys and to do my best to be as good a mum as Nanna was to all the family.