Wednesday, 10 October 2018

Me and my Manic Depression : World Mental Health Day 2018



I've spoken out about my mental health on a number of occasions, I've even vlogged and shared it on You Tube. I don't hide the fact that I'm an unstable mess, I don't really think I could if I tried to be honest!

I expect everyone who knows me will have guessed I'm not well. My moods change at the flip of a coin and it is hard to know which version of me you will meet each day...

Some days I will be confident, I will walk down the street head held high and I will talk to you, I'll talk really quickly in an excitable manor and I'll be smiling (usually with rosey red cheeks) On these days I can easily get over enthusiastic, I can suddenly take on a million extra jobs on my 'to do' list because I feel like a super woman, I will come up with new ideas, business plans, I'll want to buy all sorts of things I can't really afford, I'll let the kids choose what to have for tea (pizza & chocolate sure OK!), I'll let them stay up late and we'll read books and watch movies, play games, sing, dance, I'll play my music loud, i'll be rushing around all day until gone midnight when I realise that I really need to get some sleep...i'm a mum afterall I have responsibilities. Yet still I will stay awake reading or writing until I just drop. 

Some days I will panic from the moment I wake, I will struggle to lift my head from the pillow, struggle to open my eyes, struggle to get myself showered and dressed, let alone the kids. Some times I can manage to get them ready and leave the house and i'm ashamed to say, some times I physically can't. On those days I'm too anxious, I'm too scared to face people. The boys don't mind, they know when I'm unwell and they claim to be too "I'm poorly mummy too listen - cough cough cough" I know they need to get to school, I know it is important but I physically can't move, I can't shake the feeling that I'm a failure, just look at me, I'm a mess. On these days you won't see me, on these days I hide away. On these days if people talk to me via social media / try to get hold of me via phone I either pretend not to get it or I pretend I'm totally fine. If I have these days and force myself to get the boys to school, which I promise I always try to. Then yes you'll see me, but I won't respond, I'll keep my head low and I'll hide then I'll rush home.
On some occasions these days are even worse, on the days I feel like this and I don't have my son's to care for (if they are at their grandparents), to get up from bed and look after I will hide under the covers and cry, I'll contemplate how much better they would be without a mum like me. I'll rip up notes, photos and ideas. I'll realise that I haven't really achieved anything in my life, that I don't truely have anyone who understands me. 

On other days I cope, I find a balance, I wake up and take a deep breath. I have a shower and I calmly get ready to face the day. I juggle being mum, running a shop, working side jobs & keeping the house running. 

Now you've read this I expect you either think I'm completely crazy and will never read a word I write again or you will think to yourself 'ahh, now I see why she is so different each day'

Now for the worst part...oh yes, it gets worse! If you are still reading I applaud you. 

I am currently medication free, WHAT - WHY I hear you scream. Well because prior to my hormones being all mixed up from having kids, moving house, getting married, getting divorced, moving house again but on own to a completely new town - I had had a few really good medication free years, I had felt great, been stable and I was doing really well. But when I moved here to my new home I definitely was not. I had what I would describe as a break down and I in the end asked for help from the doctor but I had to start fresh with a new doctor who didn't know me and didn't take notice of my previously diagnosed condition. I was asked to do reviews, I was referred to a 'team' to a person who saw me about 3 time asked a few questions then told me I was depressed and to take some pills for it...I knew straight away they were wrong, I knew I would spiral into an unavoidable high but still I did as I was told. I tried their new medication and as expected I had days and days of being 'super woman' which was not healthy on my relationships, bank balance or physical health! Those close to me pointed out how bad I was at this point, how scary it was to see me that way most of the time. I stopped taking their prescription and I went back to tell them...I was told to call a number on a piece of paper and practically pushed out the door.

I didn't call the number, I never will.

Instead I learnt how to identify what sort of place I am in mentally, I have learnt my triggers and I have explained to those close to me about my manic & depressive behaviour. (To be fair they had already noticed but it helped to talk openly about it) I have even sat my children down and explained it all to them. I spoke with others who experienced the same as me, I realised I am not the only one and this helped me - a lot. I used alternative therapies, I use healthy eating and essential oils. I write my thoughts in books so I can record how I'm doing and look back over it. I learnt to look after myself, because there was noone else to look after me and because I have two very important boys to look after.

So that is me, me and my Manic Depression. I totally understand if you no longer want to know me!

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthday 

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story, and giving an insight into your life. It's so important for others to read about these things, if we ever want them to understand.

    By the sounds of things, you've found a way which works for you and if that's without medication, then it's nobody else's place to judge you. Take care of yourself.

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  2. You are such a brave person to have to go through all this. I’m literally sat here crying as I’ve just read this as this is exactly the same for me. I’ve tried to tell people what’s wrong but somehow can’t find the words to say what’s going on in my head so I just get dismissed. I thought maybe it was that I needed help with my kids so I asked about a parenting course to try to be a better mum but the health visitor never got back to me, But I don’t think it was that what I needed so I had 2 appointments with a doctor about how I was feeling and I was in and out within 5 minutes “no you don’t have depression as you would feel low all the time if you did” is all I got. “You’re just an overwhelmed mum” I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Some days are good but when I have a low day... I can’t even find the words to describe it... it’s not fair on my kids or my husband. And what do I have to be depressed about? I apparently have the perfect life. I don’t even know why I’m saying all this, just that at least I know another person understands.

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    1. Oh Hun, this is the reason I put up my story today. To reach out and let others know they are not alone. Please feel free to contact me for a chat anytime, I'm happy to help & share more of my coping strategies. My email is kabriggs@hotmail.co.uk XX

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